Life

Macaroni and cheese and bacon.
That was last nights dinner.

The joys of living with teenage girls. LOL

Thanksgiving will be interesting this year as well thanks to the above-mentioned girls.  They each want something different.

Heather wants traditional:
Turkey
Dressing
Green bean casserole

Lindsay wants:
Hot wings
Homemade french fries.

Neither is willing to compromise and eat  their desired meal on Friday.

Middle East peace talks have nothing on the negotiation skills I have tried to utilize. And just like the Middle East, neither is willing to compromise. So I am cooking it all on Thursday and I better not hear a word about eating leftovers on Friday and Saturday.

Yes, I am a very in charge parent. lol

Life has been hard lately. I separated from my husband in September. Along with all of his stuff, his paycheck (1/2 our monthly income) left also. It was HARD.  Borrowed money from work and my best friend. My children have helped pay bills and my oldest daughter bought all the food and household items for 2 months. I am very thankful to them for their help.

We are getting better. This month all the bills were covered, I bought groceries and my children got to spend some of their money on............themselves.  I could not have made it without them.

On top of that, a person I cared a great deal for hurt me. BAD.  It is hard when you hear what they are saying, but you know it not them. Not their true feelings. You can't stop them from lying to themselves to make things the way they want them to be. All you can do is pray for them and for yourself, for healing.

All of this has put me in a "funk".  I barely sleep or I sleep for hours and hours. I barely eat. I have lost 20 pounds in the past month. Stress is good for something I guess.  People keep telling me to smile, eat, shake it off, be who I used to be. But I am no longer who I used to be.  Scars change us, sometimes permanently.

The pain will fade, over time, but things I used to "know" and believe and trust and no longer there. 
It is scary when you can know longer trust your own feelings.

But each new day, is a day to heal.

The grand babies are doing wonderful.  The oldest is a walking bundle of fun and energy. The youngest has decided that walking is more important than growing teeth. 8  months old, standing, trying to walk, with 2 teeth.  One day she is going to have to stop and grow them.  LOL

My youngest son works tomorrow so I have the oldest, 14 months, all day. Cooking will get done but there will lots of playing and cuddling.

Not a bad way to spend the day.

Hit me baby one more time....or three

The other night I had looked up a Gladys Knight & the Pips song on Youtube. As I was listening to the song, I began reading the comments.  Did you know that she was married 4 times? Neither did I.  That didn't shock me, what shocked me was the amount of negative comments regarding it.

It seems that society can accept one divorce. After two you get labeled and, heaven forbid, three and you are branded as a failure or a negative role model.

Why?

In business, and even in athletics, we are praised for repeated attempts at success. How many failures did Thomas Eddison have before he perfected the light bulb? Yet we forgive, and even glorify, people like Charlie Sheen and Michael Vick who did far worse than end a bad marriage.

Why was she divorced 3 times? I don't know and frankly I don't care.

Maybe it was the men. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was her. Maybe she had yet to find the one person who brought out the best in her. Helped her become the woman she was meant to be. Why should she settle for less? Why should anyone? It is really so bad that instead of just "shacking up" with the first 3 she made a commitment and stayed with it until its conclusion?

If someone stays at a dead end job, never trying to better themselves, we consider them a loser. We believe they should take a chance, step out in faith, change their life. Why should the matters of the heart be any different.  I don't believe every marriage is meant to last. People make mistakes, people grow apart. You marry someone hoping for the best but their best isn't good enough.

Divorce hurts. Whether it's your 1st or 15th.  It is the end of a dream, and of a life. A life you planned out with the other person. A life you lived every day believing you were building.  The realization that you were not enough is soul crushing.  Not enough to keep them faithful, not enough to make them happy, not enough to make them put forth an effort.

You are forever scarred by that.

Being judged doesn't help.

I am no longer bent.
I am broken.


- Alesia

Life as Nana

I love being a mom. And as my children get older it gets even more fun.
(OK the fact that they CAN and DO make their own decisions, and I can't ground them for the dumb ones is frustrating, but it is still fun.)

God blessed me with 6 beautiful children, all unique, all perfect.

But now God has blessed me beyond my wildest imagination.

Grandchildren!!!!

I have posted pictures of my two beautiful granddaughters, Emily and Aurora. It was fun when they were newborns; feeding them, burping them, their wonderful baby smell. But now that they are older, they are even more enjoyable.

Emily will be 1 on 9/22. 
I taught her to clap and make, what we call, the vampire face. When she gets made she will scrunch up her face and breath really hard and fast through her nose.  One day I did it back to her, showing her my upper teeth.  She stopped crying and did it back to me. So we sat there making this face back and forth at each other and she forgot whatever she was upset about.  That was a few months ago and she will still make the face when I see her.  Adorable.

Aurora just turned 6 months on 9/7.
Tonight she said her first word, with my coaxing.
Mama.
Her mama is at work so I videoed her saying mama and sent it to her phone.
And then I cried.

I am so fortunate to be able to be VERY involved in my grand children's lives. During their teenage years, there were times I was convinced that I would not be a part of my children's lives when they got older, much less their children. But it all works out in the end.

So I get to start over. Feeding them, changing them, bathing them, AND get to sleep through the night.

Heaven.

Now if they would just get big enough for squeaky shoes. LOL

Back to school

Today was the first day of school..

We all remember the first day of kindergarten.  Walking our "babies" into the school.  Their backpacks filled with new supplies.  They looked so young and vulnerable. Nowhere near ready to face the big world alone. 

I am sure they all handled it better than it did.

Fast forward many years.  My two youngest are juniors this year.

I woke up at 6:15 expecting to wake them up to get ready.  They were already up, dressed, doing their hair and makeup. And they had a friend over. Another showed up later.

They weren't nervous, or scared.
They didn't need me to go with them.
They are apparently over the trepidation of the first day of school.

I am not.

Pin-up girls

I love pin-up girls.
They are cute and innocent looking. Just a smidge naughty.

Like me?  Maybe, maybe not. But they are fun and make me smile.

Cry baby

One of the things about me that surprises most people is that I am a crier. I don't just mean watching a sad movie, or witnessing the birth of a baby crier.

Yes, I cried when I gave birth to my children.
Yes, I cried when I watched both of my granddaughters come into the world.
I even cried at EVERY birthing class, EVERY time we watched a baby being born.

I can't watch some shows on National Geographic. If it shows something catching and eating something else I cry. Even a frog catching a fly.

Poor fly.

My husband and I go to the symphony each month and there have been times when the music has moved me to tears.

My husband laughed at me just 2 days ago when, as a 44 year old woman, I cried when Mufasa died in Lion King. I have seen the movied dozens of times but I can't stand thinking about how much it must have hurt to be trampled to death by the Wilderbeast.

Yes I have a complete grasp on reality - why do you ask. LOL

I cried reading "Decision Points" by George W. Bush.  Him describing 9/11 broght me to tears just like seeing it on tv.

Wednesday night we watched fireworks in our town. There was no music, which is a good thing. When we got home he turned on Macy's fireworks which has acconpanying music and I cried at certain songs. Lee Greenwood's "Proud to be an American" will do it every time.

I am a big old softie.

And YES I cry everytime I watch Steel Magnolias, even though I know what's coming.