Depressing post

I don't know if my life could get more boring. 

Back when I was in college, and working full time, and raising kids; I couldn't wait to have a free weekend to do nothing.  Now I wish I had just one weekend a month that was fun. 

It's probably my own fault.  I have friends but I also keep the grand babies alot. I need to learn to say no more.  The funk I have been in has also played a big role in it.  Even now I am not sure if I would go out if given the chance. 

I should be thankful for this quiet time. Tax season is just around the corner with it's longer days and working every Saturday. I will once again be wishing for a boring weekend.

I need to start cooking again. I love to cook but I haven't felt like it lately. Add in the fact that I wasn't eating and I just didn't see the point.  The girls all work in restaurants so when they work it is basically just me, and a grandchild or two, and I don't know how to cook for one.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have done nothing. No tree, no decorations, nothing.  And I don't want to.  I am not even looking forward to cooking.  I hope the New Year is truly a new one, cause this one has sucked. 

Work has been going well.  Working on a few big projects which has kept me busy and, most times, my mind off other things. So maybe tax season will be a blessing in disguise.

For now, I just try to make it though to the next day.

Life

Thanksgiving went well.  I cooked both entrees and we all ate and it was a nice quiet family time. I got to spend all day with my oldest granddaughter. She was alot of help. LOL

Since then life has been slowly getting better. Even if more hectic.

When the kids were younger our life had a rhythm. A steady and predictable pace.  They went to school, I went to work.  When we got home it was homework, dinner, laundry, etc.  Now the 3 girls at home all have jobs and it is rare that we are all home together. 

My cooking habits have changed.  With no husband to cook for, most nights I don't cook at all.  I keep frozen stuff for me and whoever might be home.  The nights I do cook we end up with tons of leftovers since I don't know how to cook for just 2. 

Don't get me wrong, I am glad they are all growing up and having their own lives, but sometimes I do miss the times when we were all home together every night.  I have empty nest syndrome without the completely empty nest.

Work wise I am enjoying this quiet time before the start of tax season.  I know it is only 3.5 months but it feels a lot longer. You would think after 6 years I wouldn't stress over it, but I do each year.  Good news is with the kids all working and having their own lives, they won't have time to miss me not being here. LOL

Life

Macaroni and cheese and bacon.
That was last nights dinner.

The joys of living with teenage girls. LOL

Thanksgiving will be interesting this year as well thanks to the above-mentioned girls.  They each want something different.

Heather wants traditional:
Turkey
Dressing
Green bean casserole

Lindsay wants:
Hot wings
Homemade french fries.

Neither is willing to compromise and eat  their desired meal on Friday.

Middle East peace talks have nothing on the negotiation skills I have tried to utilize. And just like the Middle East, neither is willing to compromise. So I am cooking it all on Thursday and I better not hear a word about eating leftovers on Friday and Saturday.

Yes, I am a very in charge parent. lol

Life has been hard lately. I separated from my husband in September. Along with all of his stuff, his paycheck (1/2 our monthly income) left also. It was HARD.  Borrowed money from work and my best friend. My children have helped pay bills and my oldest daughter bought all the food and household items for 2 months. I am very thankful to them for their help.

We are getting better. This month all the bills were covered, I bought groceries and my children got to spend some of their money on............themselves.  I could not have made it without them.

On top of that, a person I cared a great deal for hurt me. BAD.  It is hard when you hear what they are saying, but you know it not them. Not their true feelings. You can't stop them from lying to themselves to make things the way they want them to be. All you can do is pray for them and for yourself, for healing.

All of this has put me in a "funk".  I barely sleep or I sleep for hours and hours. I barely eat. I have lost 20 pounds in the past month. Stress is good for something I guess.  People keep telling me to smile, eat, shake it off, be who I used to be. But I am no longer who I used to be.  Scars change us, sometimes permanently.

The pain will fade, over time, but things I used to "know" and believe and trust and no longer there. 
It is scary when you can know longer trust your own feelings.

But each new day, is a day to heal.

The grand babies are doing wonderful.  The oldest is a walking bundle of fun and energy. The youngest has decided that walking is more important than growing teeth. 8  months old, standing, trying to walk, with 2 teeth.  One day she is going to have to stop and grow them.  LOL

My youngest son works tomorrow so I have the oldest, 14 months, all day. Cooking will get done but there will lots of playing and cuddling.

Not a bad way to spend the day.

Hit me baby one more time....or three

The other night I had looked up a Gladys Knight & the Pips song on Youtube. As I was listening to the song, I began reading the comments.  Did you know that she was married 4 times? Neither did I.  That didn't shock me, what shocked me was the amount of negative comments regarding it.

It seems that society can accept one divorce. After two you get labeled and, heaven forbid, three and you are branded as a failure or a negative role model.

Why?

In business, and even in athletics, we are praised for repeated attempts at success. How many failures did Thomas Eddison have before he perfected the light bulb? Yet we forgive, and even glorify, people like Charlie Sheen and Michael Vick who did far worse than end a bad marriage.

Why was she divorced 3 times? I don't know and frankly I don't care.

Maybe it was the men. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe it was her. Maybe she had yet to find the one person who brought out the best in her. Helped her become the woman she was meant to be. Why should she settle for less? Why should anyone? It is really so bad that instead of just "shacking up" with the first 3 she made a commitment and stayed with it until its conclusion?

If someone stays at a dead end job, never trying to better themselves, we consider them a loser. We believe they should take a chance, step out in faith, change their life. Why should the matters of the heart be any different.  I don't believe every marriage is meant to last. People make mistakes, people grow apart. You marry someone hoping for the best but their best isn't good enough.

Divorce hurts. Whether it's your 1st or 15th.  It is the end of a dream, and of a life. A life you planned out with the other person. A life you lived every day believing you were building.  The realization that you were not enough is soul crushing.  Not enough to keep them faithful, not enough to make them happy, not enough to make them put forth an effort.

You are forever scarred by that.

Being judged doesn't help.

I am no longer bent.
I am broken.


- Alesia

Life as Nana

I love being a mom. And as my children get older it gets even more fun.
(OK the fact that they CAN and DO make their own decisions, and I can't ground them for the dumb ones is frustrating, but it is still fun.)

God blessed me with 6 beautiful children, all unique, all perfect.

But now God has blessed me beyond my wildest imagination.

Grandchildren!!!!

I have posted pictures of my two beautiful granddaughters, Emily and Aurora. It was fun when they were newborns; feeding them, burping them, their wonderful baby smell. But now that they are older, they are even more enjoyable.

Emily will be 1 on 9/22. 
I taught her to clap and make, what we call, the vampire face. When she gets made she will scrunch up her face and breath really hard and fast through her nose.  One day I did it back to her, showing her my upper teeth.  She stopped crying and did it back to me. So we sat there making this face back and forth at each other and she forgot whatever she was upset about.  That was a few months ago and she will still make the face when I see her.  Adorable.

Aurora just turned 6 months on 9/7.
Tonight she said her first word, with my coaxing.
Mama.
Her mama is at work so I videoed her saying mama and sent it to her phone.
And then I cried.

I am so fortunate to be able to be VERY involved in my grand children's lives. During their teenage years, there were times I was convinced that I would not be a part of my children's lives when they got older, much less their children. But it all works out in the end.

So I get to start over. Feeding them, changing them, bathing them, AND get to sleep through the night.

Heaven.

Now if they would just get big enough for squeaky shoes. LOL

Back to school

Today was the first day of school..

We all remember the first day of kindergarten.  Walking our "babies" into the school.  Their backpacks filled with new supplies.  They looked so young and vulnerable. Nowhere near ready to face the big world alone. 

I am sure they all handled it better than it did.

Fast forward many years.  My two youngest are juniors this year.

I woke up at 6:15 expecting to wake them up to get ready.  They were already up, dressed, doing their hair and makeup. And they had a friend over. Another showed up later.

They weren't nervous, or scared.
They didn't need me to go with them.
They are apparently over the trepidation of the first day of school.

I am not.